What Happens Next: A Gallimaufry

melancholic romantic comic cynic. bi & genderqueer. fantasy writer. sysrae on ao3.

publicatiosui asked: No doubt you've already received a zillion comments about your friend-zone post, but I had a question: I'm slightly confused at the lack of nuance in your description, in that (to my understanding) the fundamental source of the resentiment (ressentiment?) of the Friendzone is the intersubjective element, i.e. a male belief that women "friend-zone" knowingly, ie with the knowledge that friends is not what the guy wants. Is there not an ethical burden on the woman to simply not be friends, period?

I don’t think so, no. Certainly, if Person A (we’ll call them Alex) knows that Person B (let’s say Billie) wants a romantic relationship and has already said no to such, they should do their best not to stomp all over Billie’s feelings. But saying that Alex always has an ethical burden to end the friendship seems very problematic.

For one thing, it’s a paternalistic move: assuming Billie still wanted the friendship to continue, Alex would completely remove that option by making what amounts to an ultimatum - stop wanting me or we can’t be friends any more. It’s also unfair to Alex, who presumably hasn’t encouraged Billie’s affections, and might value the friendship highly; Alex can, however, give Billie space to get over things, which is a considerate thing to do.

Basically, I don’t think either person should hold all the power, which is what instituting a hard and fast rule about who got to end the friendship and walk away would ultimately achieve.

Also: it’s not always the case that Billie’s affections are openly stated and clear. Unless Billie actually asks Alex out, it’s unreasonable to expect Alex - who isn’t interested in romance in either case - to magically intuit Billie’s desires and react accordingly. This, as you say, is the fundamental tension: if everything is left to inference, then Billie may well think Alex has friendzoned them deliberately when in fact, Alex is just behaving normally.

Which is why I don’t like the terminology: because regardless of whether Billie has openly asked Alex out or not, calling the subsequent rejection a case of friendzoning puts all the blame on Alex while completely absolving Billie.