What Happens Next: A Gallimaufry

melancholic romantic comic cynic. bi & genderqueer. fantasy writer. sysrae on ao3.

NHL Players As John Mulaney Quotes

chuckiedebruskie:

fozmeadows:

Tyler Seguin: Anyone who’s seen my dick and met my parents needs to die; I can’t have them roaming around!  

Johnny Gaudreau: I was hoping by now that I would look older, but that didn’t happen.

Milan Lucic: I don’t know what my body is for other than just taking my head from room to room.

Andre Burakovsky: Look at that high-waisted man! He’s got feminine hips! 

Matthew Tkachuk: I’m standing in the basement and I’m holding a red cup, you’ve seen movies. And I’m standing there holding a red cup and I’m starting to black out and I guess someone said, like, something something police

Jonathan Toews:  I’ll keep all my emotions right here, and then one day I’ll die.

Dylan Strome: Whoah, that tall child looks terrible! Get some rest, tall child!

Jack Johnson: I used to sit around and think about what to do about quicksand. I never thought about how to handle real problems in adult life. I was never like, “Oh, what’s it going to be like when relatives ask to borrow money?”

John Tavares: I look like I was just sitting in a chair eating Saltines for like 28 years, and then I walked right out here. 

Tom Wilson: I’m really sorry about last night, it’s just that I’m mean and loud - it probably will happen again.

Brooks Orpik: I’m like an iPhone, there’s going to be worse versions of this every year. 

Sidney Crosby: I have a lot of stories about being a kid because it was the last time I was interesting.

Tyson Barrie: I like making fun of myself a lot. I like being made fun of, too. I’ve always enjoyed it. There’s just something really, really funny about someone tearing into me.

CAN SOMEONE PLEASE DO A BRUINS ONE OF THIS PLEASE I AM NOT CREATIVE ENOUGH

In this festive season, your wish is my command! BEHOLD:

Patrice Bergeron: When I walk down the street, I need everybody, all day long, to like me so much. 

Zdeno Chara: I don’t care for these new Nazis, and you can quote me on that.

Brad Marchand: Here is a story I once heard about me. I guess I was 20 and I was at a party at someone’s house and I blacked out drinking. And someone came out of one of the rooms at this party holding like an old antique bottle with some liquid in it. And they said hey, is this whiskey or a perfume. And apparently I grabbed it, drank all of it and said, it’s perfume. And it was.

Jake DeBrusk: Yeah, you can make fun of me. But just don’t say that I’m a bitch and that you don’t like me.

Charlie McAvoy: I love to play venues where if the guy who built the venue could see me on stage, he would be a little bit bummed about it.

Tuukka Rask: He looked like he should be the conductor on a locomotive powered by confetti, but instead he made his living in murder. 

David Pastrnak: I lived like a goddamn Ninja Turtle. I didn’t drink water the entire time.

David Backes: I’m gross. I have hair on my shoulders now. I don’t even have a joke for that, that’s how much I hate that shit.

Brandon Carlo: I was in Connecticut recently, doing white people stuff…

Torey Krug: Just because you’re accurate doesn’t mean you’re interesting.

(via bisexualcharliemcavoy-deactivat)

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