What Happens Next: A Gallimaufry

melancholic romantic comic cynic. bi & genderqueer. fantasy writer. sysrae on ao3.

eliciadonze:

Every day I have to choose “is this person safe?”

Every day I have to choose whether to leave all these horrible posts and messages up on my blog so people will believe me—or take them down so I don’t lose followers, work, attract more hate, and watch my career get destroyed even further. Every day I have to do this all over again.

Every day I have to decide if it’s safe to block, report, or simply just ignore someone. Will they or their friends retaliate? Am I in danger?

Every day I have to decide if I should speak up or suffer alone.

Every time I make a drawing I have to decide if it’s safe to post. I have to take steps—I have a whole system of steps that I take to limit harassment. I don’t even think about it anymore; I’m so used to taking these steps just to not be hurt.

Every day I get told that I deserve to be raped or killed. Every day someone calls me a cunt, slut, whore, or bitch.

Every day someone tells me to kill myself. 

Every day someone says, “You’re a waste of talent.” 

Every day I cry.

Every day I cry at how normal this is and how accustomed to it I am.

Every day I imagine myself in five years, and I feel suicidal because I know nothing will get better. It hasn’t gotten better in the last five years.

Every day I watch my friends abandon me because I’m too much, not enough, or whatever else.

Every day someone says, “I can’t handle seeing the hate you deal with.” But I have to handle it.

Every day total strangers tell me what I have to do as if I’m not already doing enough.

You’re an amazing artist. You deserve to have a wonderful career. You’ve done nothing to deserve the hate that’s been sent your way for so long, and you certainly shouldn’t be forced to shrink yourself to try and mitigate the bile of others. I’m so sorry you’ve had to endure this, and I wish there was something more I could do to help besides tell you so.

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