I HAVE SOME VERY IMPORTANT FEELINGS ABOUT VIKTOR NIKIFOROV AND YOI
Listen:
A major reason why Viktor is so captivated by Yuuri at the banquet is because, from his perspective, Yuuri is happier to have lost than Viktor is to have won. Viktor is at the top of his game but feels like there’s no savour to it, no real satisfaction - but Yuuri, who just came in last, is smiling and dancing and laughing and (seemingly) having a fabulous time in a way that Viktor never has, even when he was younger. He’s watching this guy talk Yurio into a dance-off and pole dance with Chris without the slightest bit of shame or hesitation, and he’s thinking, What the fuck does Yuuri (who’s incidentally super hot) know about skating - and about life - that I don’t? So he approaches him, nervously at first but with increasing confidence, and soon gets so caught up in the moment that he starts having fun like Yuuri is, too. Viktor won the Grand Pix and didn’t feel like he’d done anything new, but dancing with Yuuri? That made him smile, and he’s all lit up and wondering what else Yuuri can teach him that he didn’t know and trying to work up the courage to ask -
- and Yuuri goes and asks Viktor to teach him.
And in that moment, when Viktor gasps and the whole world rearranges itself, it matters to Viktor, not just because he’s attracted to Yuuri and at a professional loose end, but because he thinks that Yuuri sees something in him that he doesn’t see himself - and more, that Yuuri, as just evidenced by their dancing, has the unique ability to make him see it, too. Viktor has never had fun at a banquet before, but the man who just lost the Grand Prix has made him feel more alive than any of his medals ever did.
Which is also why, from the moment they meet again in Hasetsu,Viktor repeatedly fails to understand how Yuuri’s issues with anxiety and low self-esteem are intrinsically tied to his belief that he’s a poor skater: because the Yuuri Viktor met at the banquet didn’t care that he’d lost. Over and over again, Viktor tries to push Yuuri into not caring about the outcome because his formative impression of Yuuri is of someone who responds to losing by going out, having a wonderful time and seducing the fuck out of the person who did win, i.e. as someone who emotionally handles loss better than Viktor handles winning. So when he sees Yuuri get nervous before a skate, he’s not being callous in bluntly reminding Yuuri that he might lose or what could go wrong: he’s trying to parse the disconnect between the anxious Yuuri in front of him and the Yuuri he remembers who didn’t give a fuck when he actually did lose. He’s trying to say, albeit clumsily, “Once this is over, you won’t care if you lost; you’ll bounce back and do your own thing, so accept the worst case scenario now and move on from stressing about it.”
What Viktor doesn’t understand is that, not only his fundamental view of Yuuri based on a single night of deeply uncharacteristic behaviour, but that Yuuri doesn’t remember it. Even once Viktor realises that Yuuri’s extroversion and drinking at the banquet are anomalies, he still thinks he’s able to allude to its significance in a positive way: remember that time you lost the Grand Prix final, had an utterly wonderful evening with all our friends and seduced me into becoming your coach? That’s Yuuri’s worst case scenario, and from Viktor’s perspective, it turned out great! Why on Earth would Yuuri be afraid of something that spectacular happening again? It doesn’t help that Viktor has no personal experience with that sort of confidence/anxiety issue in the first place, which means he has a poor ability to gauge when he’s pushing too hard, but the whole time, Yuuri’s missing memory is the elephant in the room. Viktor never refers to the banquet directly because, when Yuuri fails to bring it up, he logically assumes that Yuuri is embarrassed, not that he’s forgotten it altogether, and without knowing this vital piece of information, all his attempts to remind Yuuri that you failed and something new and wonderful came from it are interpreted by Yuuri as you’ve failed before and could fail again.
And I just.
I HAVE A LOT OF FEELINGS ABOUT THIS, OKAY?
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