Anonymous asked: Hey Foz, hoping you could help me understand something! what's the difference between fetishisation (eg of mlm ships) and supporting/enjoying representation? i don't want to be ignorant
That is a complicated question, but one which ultimately hinges on the acceptance of personhood. In fetishising a person or group, you consider their humanity as being:
a) secondary to your needs;
b) valid only if it adheres to a set definition or stereotype; and/or
c) not the same as your own.
It’s important to note that, as per the example of benevolent sexism, your beliefs about said person or group don’t have to be strictly negative in order to be fetishistic or damaging - they just have to be reductive. Saying that “gay men have such great fashion sense”, for instance, becomes a form of benevolent homophobia when held up as a declarative truth by straight people, as while this is a positive attribute, the act of expressing it as a generalisation rather than as an individual compliment (”James has such great fashion sense!”) makes it a stereotype.
Similarly, if your sole or primary form of engagement with a particular group is sexual, then changes are high that you’re being fetishistic. Straight dudes who watch lesbian porn because it’s hot, but who don’t give a shit about queer rights, have no queer friends and take no interest in lesbian narratives otherwise are being fetishistic: they’re constructing a fantasy about queer women as sexual objects for their own gaze without any reference to viewing those women as people. Likewise, straight women who obsess over queer men and who subsequently feel that this “support” entitles them to ask invasive personal questions of real human beings, or who think that their enjoyment of queer male narratives automatically invalidates any discomfort or criticism that actual queer men might feel on hearing about it? That is fetishistic.
Let me really fucking clear about this: regardless of the real-world sexuality of the man in question, anyone who asks a male celebrity inappropriate questions about his apparent sexual/romantic relationship with another guy is being fetishistic. It’s not cute, it’s not funny and it’s not okay, because what such people are doing in that moment is declaring that their own curiosity - their own desire to consume queerness as entertainment - is more important than the needs and boundaries of actual people. If a male celeb is openly queer, you are not entitled to details about his sex life just because you’re interested: that is fetishistic. If a male celeb is known to be straight, but you think he’s secretly got something going on with a friend or colleague, you are not entitled to ask invasive, leading questions in a bid to confirm the relationship: that is fetishistic, even if the guy really is straight, because your belief in his queerness is what makes you feel entitled to be invasive in the first place. And, most importantly, if a male celeb is actually queer but isn’t out, you do not get to try and fucking out him for funsies, oh my god. Which is what people are ultimately doing, when they ask wink-wink nudge-nudge questions of presumably straight men at conventions and in interviews: they’re fishing for proof of queerness at the expense of the individual’s privacy. In that sense, it doesn’t matter if the dude you’re asking is “really” queer or not - if the presumption of queerness is enough to make you push their boundaries, you’re being fetishistic, and you need to fucking Stop.
Basically, supporting representation in a non-fetishistic way means supporting and listening to the actual people it depicts at other times and in other capacities, and not just using them as a way to get off without caring for their personhood otherwise.
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