What Happens Next: A Gallimaufry

melancholic romantic comic cynic. bi & genderqueer. fantasy writer. sysrae on ao3.

thenkeepgoing asked: Why are kayaks Incredibly Rude to swans? I'm asking because we have a lot of wild turkeys on my college campus and they HATE cars. They will block you from opening car doors, circle you in your car like a shark, jump on top of cars and snap at tires.

elodieunderglass:

dendritic-trees:

elodieunderglass:

sosungalittleclodofclay:

elodieunderglass:

           2/2 so I was wondering if large birds just hate human transportation or something haha. Thanks for your post, very interesting.            

(In reference to a comment I made about kayaks being incredibly rude in Swan Culture)

I’ve been looking at my inbox like “I am not some kind of ECCENTRIC BIRD WHISPERER,” but I actually know the answer to this one, and it’s hilarious.

Large birds don’t have a particular hateboner for human transportation, but wild turkeys have two unique properties that make them behave ridiculously when they collide with human populations. For those who aren’t familiar with them, wild turkeys are large, boisterous birds that tend to interact with humans most frequently around the autumn which is convenient for Thanksgiving and mating season in early spring. Most of the time, they live peaceable lives in the woods, but around November they run around in flocks bothering innocent citizens and picking fights with vending machines, and then they usually go away again.

The toms, or dominant males, can stand up to 4 feet tall and weigh up to 24 pounds. They’re the ones that do the fancy displays:

image

The First Unique Turkey Property: Now, wild turkeys are a little bit like betta fish, in that they perceive any shiny/reflective surface that shows them a reflection as actually containing Another Turkey, and they react accordingly. When they react to the Other Turkey - usually by posturing aggressively and flaring their fins feathers majestically - the Other Turkey ESCALATES THE SITUATION by posturing as well. At some point the real turkey loses its temper and attacks, pecking and scratching and trying to take the fucker apart, only to find that the Other Turkey has protected itself with some kind of force field.

So to a wild turkey that has encountered enough autumnal car-related psychic battles, the completely logical conclusion to take away from them is that cars contain demonic spirits that must be subdued. Other examples of things that wild turkeys are compelled to vanquish include… well, other reflective things.

To address this, cover reflective things (you can rub soap on your car to make it less reflective) and frighten off the turkey if it’s keeping you from leaving your car.

The Second Unique Turkey Property: This is a little bit embarrassing for all concerned, but you have to think about it like a turkey would. You see, humans are oddly compelling creatures to a hormonal turkey. We have bare faces with interestingly positioned lumps of flesh, we gobble our speech in a way that almost sounds like Turkey, we strut about on two feet showing off our long sexy legs, we strut about in family groups, we often have access to really good food, our clothing is big and bright and colorful. Turkey faces change color with their mood; human faces are all kinds of fascinating colors, plus additional fantastic decorations. To wild turkeys, humans are a type of turkey, and further: many humans are either Intimidating Sexual Threats, or Exciting Sexual Beings. 

Now, I am very sorry about this, but not only can wild turkeys be kind of reverse furries, they also have unexpected ideas about gender and sexuality. So to some female turkeys, “male” humans are excitingly sexy and they will follow one around for embarrassingly long periods of time, cooing attractively - meanwhile, the tom turkey and the subordinate males will be OUTRAGED by the COMPETITION presented by the interloper, and will attempt to subdue “him.” And “female” humans are likewise at risk of being passionately seduced by the dominant toms, or quietly propositioned by subordinate males - or the females may attempt to recruit you into their existing social system - as a junior member, of course. They have a strict pecking order.

Unfortunately for humans, your preferred gender may not necessarily actually translate to the gender that turkeys decide you are. And some turkeys may decide you’re “male” while others will decide that you’re “female,” so that will be confusing, and some dominant female turkeys have “male” sexual traits - like beards and tail fans - anyway. They recognize and remember humans, so if you had a particularly exciting encounter with a specific turkey, it will probably remember you.

Also unfortunately for humans, the fine distinctions between Turkey Seduction, Turkey Competition, and Turkey Networking are usually a little bit lost, and all of this behavior seems to be the same thing - it mostly consists of a large dinosaur-like bird trotting at you, possibly screaming and pecking and flapping, and can be worrying. If you are in the car and the turkey can see you, and it wishes to continue a previous encounter, it may well insist upon this in a frightening way.

Turkeys don’t give a shit about human “gender” and “authority,” as the many available videos on the internet of turkeys attacking police officers, reporters and mailmen will assure you. They just make logical decisions that are perfectly natural and reasonable to turkeys, and humans react by running away.

image

So what do you do about this? Well, DO NOT RUN AWAY, this means you that you are a Submissive Turkey and their behavior will escalate. Turkeys can learn the meaning of “no,” and you don’t have to be bullied by them.

The Humane Society has some tips to establish Dominance over wild turkeys, which will lead them to see you as a Strong Independent Turkey Who Don’t Need No Man. This will reduce their attacking and nuisance behaviors, but it may make you look like a fool.

And the Massachusetts Fish and Game website has a huge resource explaining all the subtleties of wild turkey behavior and how to combat the nuisances. Essentially, you must not attempt to make friends with them or attract them; once they arrive, you must “be bold” and establish Dominance, and encourage everyone to do the same.

If the turkeys are aggressive around children and the elderly, all sources agree that if they become a danger, you can contact the relevant authorities and have the turkeys removed or destroyed.

Anyway, that’s why turkeys attack cars. The take-home message is: the cars are too shiny and you are possibly a sexy turkey.

I don’t know what you want to make of that

(ostriches are the same way)

… apparently ostriches raised by humans can grow up sexually attracted to humans, as anecdotally described by many farmers, and even addressed in a published study in 2003 that won the Ig Nobel Prize.

….

But you know, the thing is, I can see it? I can kinda see how we got to this point. I can see why an ostrich would find us very compelling. The bare faces, the sometimes-bare legs, the movements, the clothing. The fact that humans raised the ostriches so that sets their standards for beauty. The fact that a few beauty standards are deeply coded into the fabric of an animal, but mostly they’re artificial and incredibly prone to suggestion.

Stuff like this is the best argument I’ve got against simulation theory, which argues that we and our world are simply products of a Matrix-like computer simulation, and which is beloved by a certain kind of science boy who keeps getting airtime. Because I’ll agree that computers can replicate human conversation to an impressive degree, computers can make the physics work and power the reflections and work out all the math to make a convincing fake reality, but for the sheer rationally-irrational carnival of total fuckery demonstrated by living biology, I don’t believe they can match it.

I’d believe a computer could simulate human society, but you’d have to be incredibly naive/solipsistic to call THAT the extent of life on this planet. I don’t believe a computer could come up with, or maintain, the sheer level of bizarre obscure confusing interactions you’d need to maintain the rest of the living world, or to convince us that it was doing so accurately. If you want to design tech that convinces, you go see how biology does it first, and then you try to make computers do that.

Because I just cannot believe that a computer simulation created by advanced beings would perpetuate a glitch by which the tall fluffy dinosaurs become sexually attracted to the long apes. That is the kind of shit that gets patched in beta, is what I am saying.

@elodieunderglass, I recommend for your amusement Project Earth is Leaving Beta, which can also be found in audio form here.

And, for just anyone who sees this, I reiterate an old post, that the journal Nature publishes the exact sort of short science fiction that tumblr excels at generating, and if you write this, you should at least look into submitting.

oh man I really love Nature Futures though and I admire that my friends who have published in it get to have a Nature publishing credit.

One of my favorite books, Sum: Forty Tales From the Afterlives, was originally published as a Nature Futures story. @dendritic-trees I’m sure you’re already aware of it.

Sum is an experimental fantasy novel written by a neuroscientist. It’s hard to explain, but it won All Of The Prizes and is widely regarded as the Best Spiritual Science Fantasy Thing Ever… except that SF/F people haven’t really heard of it, and regard it suspiciously as science writing, or litfic. EW, LITFIC.

Basically, it’s forty “writing prompt” style shorts, each positing a different afterlife. Heavens, hells, theology, biology, science fiction. Different ones stick with you. One of my favorites is the one in which humans are created by a race of geographer aliens as exploring/mapping machines, perfectly designed to collect data about their environment. When the human dies, the aliens harvest the data… only to find that their perfect exploring machines “spend all of their time taking pictures of each other.”

Another is the rather sweet but very sad one in which God decides that She cannot be the moral judge of humanity because all humans are incredibly Problematic, yet each soul contains the capacity for goodness. So She decides that she will take every single human soul into Heaven. Unfortunately, this completely ruins Heaven for everyone. And now She “sits on the edge of Her bed and weeps” because “the only thing that everyone can agree on is that they are in Hell.”

It’s one of my favorite books. I haven’t re-read it in years but those phrases stick in the head.

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