What Happens Next: A Gallimaufry

melancholic romantic comic cynic. bi & genderqueer. fantasy writer. sysrae on ao3.

of thanks and fandom

A quick but heartfelt thank you to everyone who’s sent supportive, kind messages after that stuff the other day: I’ve really appreciated it. 

Most of the time, it doesn’t feel contradictory to be both an author and a fanwriter, but when it comes to receiving abusive comments, it feels like a difficult thing to juggle, as each role entails a very different response protocol. As an author, I’m aware that there’s more of a (perceived or actual) power imbalance between the role I occupy and that of my readers: it’s easier for me to shrug off abuse directed at me because of my books, my reviews or my blogging, because when I publish under my professional name, it feels like I’m wearing armour. I’m always aware of the possibility of receiving hate or disagreement or pushback for that stuff, so it feels less incongruous, somehow, when the line into abuse gets crossed, even if I still get pissed. 

But while it would be insincere to argue that my fannish self and my authorial self are wholly separate - after all, I talk a lot about fandom and fanworks in my professional capacities - my actual fanwriting is something much more personal. That’s where I go to exorcise my shit, to play in tropey sandboxes and relax when my brain isn’t working. It’s time and emotional energy spent on self-indulgence instead of paid work, and while it still helps me improve my craft, it’s… more intimate, somehow, than just about anything else I produce. I don’t object to criticism or reviews of my fanfic, because I’m always looking to improve, but flat abuse is something different, and I find it much harder to deal with in that capacity. I’m not saying it’s necessarily rational, but then, my brain seldom is. And 2016, for all that I’ve had some amazing experiences and done some good, important stuff, is also proving really fucking hard, which means my cope is running especially low. 

As a general rule, whenever I receive any sort of abuse, I try to speak up about it: to make the fact of it visible. Because abuse is a real problem in fandom, both in terms of how we treat each other and how we treat creators. I have a theory that the most casual, vicious and prolific abuse in fandom currently is reserved for those figures, whether fannish or professional, who we deem most accessible to us, and therefore most likely to listen. When so many of us feel as though we’re being neglected or misrepresented - when we are being neglected and misrepresented - I understand the impulse to reserve outrage for instances where expressing it might have an actual impact, but it also means that, by definition, we’re more likely to attack the people who actually care. Which perhaps explains, at least in part, why there’s so much toxic fannish infighting in our online communities: our invested peers are always more accessible than even the most conscientious, ear-to-the-ground creators, which makes it that much easier - and much more likely to provoke a personal response - if we yell at someone who’s writing for free for being slow to update a fic, instead of sending abuse to the network executives who cancelled our favourite show, or the producers indefinitely extending a promised hiatus. 

The point being, thank you. I’m still kind of amazed that I actually have an audience in any capacity, but it’s clear you’re there, so. Thank you.

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