What Happens Next: A Gallimaufry

melancholic romantic comic cynic. bi & genderqueer. fantasy writer. sysrae on ao3.

a note on aro/ace inclusion

Listen:

As both a cultural mandate and a social institution, heteronormativity isn’t just about cis straightness as some general, abstract thing. It’s about a deeply encoded notion of what a ‘normal’ person is - someone who views marriage between one man and one woman as the only possible basis for a stable society; someone who views celibacy as either a temporary precursor to marriage or as a devotional, holy marriage to god, because anyone who genuinely doesn’t want sex is broken; someone for whom the romantic union between men and women is the ultimate emotional ideal; someone who thinks children can only be raised by one man and one woman, and that childless women in particular are doomed to an unfulfilling life - and why any and every deviation from that norm is, well, deviant

Corrective rape has been used against asexuals, just as it’s been used against other queer folks. The idea that love can only ever be romantic, between a man and a woman, with marriage as its ultimate expression, and that anyone who doesn’t want that is heartless or wrong or broken, is as coercive and toxic to aromantics as to every other member of the queer community. We talk about how the lack of queer representation to queer youth in particular is damaging, which it is - why on Earth would that assessment not encompass aro/ace kids who grow up in a culture that defines both emotional and sexual normalcy as the presence of something they lack, or which they express differently? 

A heteroromantic asexual woman, raised to believe that her dislike of sex just makes her frigid, that it’s normal for men to want sex more, and that denying her partner want he wants is selfishness, is being actively harmed by heteronormativity. An heterosexual aromantic man, raised to believe that his dislike of romance just makes him more masculine, that it’s normal for women to want romance more, and that feeling dissatisfied, trapped and unhappy is a normal part of married life for men, is being actively harmed by heteronormativity. The fact that many aro/ace folks are also queer along other axes doesn’t mean that those who are “only” aro/ace have no place in the queer community. The entire institution of heteronormativity is predicated, not just on straightness as normative default, but on the active performance of straightness through specific sexual and romantic roles

Though certain sexist social institutions make a fetish of asexuality (purity, celibacy), these same institutions also view actual asexuality as a myth, or a sign that something is seriously wrong. Likewise, though certain misogynistic social institutions make a fetish of male aromanticism in particular (players, bro culture), what they’re praising isn’t actual aromanticism, but the idea that women are superfluous and unimportant, with bonus hostility to the idea of platonic love and respect for women. In both cases, the problem isn’t being ace or aro; it’s with toxic masculinity and heteronormativity trying to trademark the idea that not wanting sex or romantic love is only contextually acceptable under certain strict  conditions - otherwise, you’re broken.    

Stop trying to exclude aromantics and asexuals from the queer community. Now of all times, with the world as messy and violent as it is, we need to have each other’s backs. And to all you ace and aro peeps: you are not broken, and you do belong. We are the last ones who should be hurting you, and I’m deeply sorry that it’s happening. 

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