If you’re young and not interested in sex, that’s very often just a part of being young.
This is something I’ve kind of wanted to touch on for awhile, but I always hesitate, because I want to word it properly and I don’t want anyone to think I’m somehow erasing asexuality, but I think this is important for young people to realise.
If you are under the age of 18 and you aren’t interested in sex, or the thought of sex makes you uncomfortable, or you feel weird watching sex scenes in films, or reading erotic fic, or if you’ve had romantic interests, but never wanted to do anything more than hold hands, or cuddle, that doesn’t necessarily mean you are ace. Those things are a natural part of being a young person. You’re underage, you’re not even supposed to have access to some of that stuff, and there’s a reason for that.
We live in a society that is very sex-focussed, and which children and young people are often sexualised. I mean all you have to do is look at some of the films, and ad campaigns marketed to teens and pre-teens, or the sorts of toys marketed to children, to understand that. It’s wrong, but it’s there, and one of the results of that is that I see children and teens feeling that if they aren’t interested in sex then they must be ace. That’s not necessarily true. It could be true, but since you are still legally underage, give yourself some time to figure it out.
It’s okay to say, “I don’t know my sexual orientation,” or, “I don’t know how I feel about sex,” or, “I’m not sure if what I feel when I’m with this person is sexual attraction or not.” I know you may want to figure it out, because it’s just one more way of understanding yourself, and that is fine, and good. But please, please, please, don’t feel that if you are uninterested in sex, or even if you are sex repulsed at fifteen, or sixteen, or seventeen, that it means you always will be. It’s natural to be uncomfortable with sex when you are young.
The one thing that sort of bothers me about the some of the ace discourse I see here, is that this isn’t always made clear, and it seems to further sexualise children by making them feel that if they aren’t dying to have sex the minute they reach puberty then they are ace. They’re kids. If they’re not dying to have sex, then good. They’re underage anyway. They don’t need to be having sex. They don’t even need to be experiencing sexual desire, or wanting to act on that desire. There is a reason there is a legal age of consent. It’s because before that age, young people are not considered emotionally, psychologically, developmentally, or sometimes even physically ready to have sex.
So anyway, just some food for thought. If you’re under 18 and are confused by, uninterested in, or even turned off by the thought of sex, that doesn’t necessarily mean you’re ace. It could just mean you are emotionally, psychologically, and/or developmentally not at a place where you are ready for sex, that that is 100% okay, and you shouldn’t feel that you need to defend your disinterest, or place a label on it. There’s no pressure to label yourself as anything! Take your time.
* and as an aside, if you are developmentally disabled, or neurodivergent, or have experienced trauma surrounding sex, feeling emotionally, psychologically and physically ready for or desirous of sex may take you even longer, and that’s okay too. Maybe after a long time you will discover that you just don’t experience sexual attraction at all, or only in very rare situations, or that you are always going to be sex repulsed, and you realise that you are ace. And if so, that’s great too, but please, if you fall under any of the above mentioned situations, don’t feel that being uncomfortable with, or put off by the thought of sex, no matter your age, automatically means you are ace.
** asexuality is very real, and there are people who are ace, and in saying these things I am definitely not trying to erase the identities of ace people.
^^This is important, and I wish I’d known all that when I was young!
So much good stuff right here. I always want to write a letter to young people about sex, because it’s so complicated and so many people tell you what to do and what to think and how to be (or you might internalize the huge flow of information streaming all around you as ‘instructions on how to be’ … I know that I did) that you wind up doing things that are uncomfortable, if not downright scary and traumatic.
As a writer of erotic fiction, I’m aware that generally most of what I write is unrealistic and if it DID depict a real relationship that that relationship would often be downright unhealthy (oh, think of all the dubcon!). Erotic fiction is written to turn on the reader, NOT written to describe realistic interactions - either interpersonal or sexual. When I was 15 and reading 80s Harlequins (oh God, has anyone ever read those? Just a few steps shy of rape, generally.) I thought that was how sex and relationships worked. Period. It was my only reference. Needless to say, many mistakes ensued.
So as OP says, take your time. If you’re uncomfortable, you shouldn’t do (or read, or watch) whatever it is. You have all the time in the world, you really do. It will all still be there when or if you’re ready to come back to it.
(via pantstomatch)
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