DRAGON AGE: THE HAMQUISITION
OK SO LOOK, this is ENTIRELY @nkjemisin‘s fault for enabling me on Twitter WHEN I WAS MEANT TO BE SLEEPING, and there’s bound to be more of this once I have time because I am a terrible dork, but here for your enjoyment and edification is Mme De Fer, Sir, the second song in a species of crossover fic that I’m calling Dragon Age: The Hamqusition.
Before we start, for the purposes of this utterly ludicrous endeavour, the characters are swapped as follows:
Alexander Hamilton = Inquisitor Lavellan
Aaron Burr = Vivienne De Fer
John Laurens = Dorian Pavus
Marquis de Lafayette = Sera
Hercules Mulligan = the Iron Bull
Are you sitting comfortably? Then we’ll begin:
Mme De Fer, Sir
LAVELLAN:
Pardon me, are you Mme De Fer, sir?
VIVIENNE:
That depends. Who’s asking?
LAVELLAN:
Oh, well, sure, sir –
I’m Inquisitor Lavellan, I’m at your service, sir
I have been looking for you
VIVIENNE:
I’m getting nervous.
LAVELLAN:
Sir…
I heard your name at Redcliffe, I was seeking the right way
to integrate the mages, but I got sort of out of sorts with a magister’s
force. I may have punched it. It’s a blur, sir. They manhandled some
sad elves?
VIVIENNE:
You punched Tevinter?
LAVELLAN:
Yes!
I wanted to do what you did. Fight and earn my dues, then join the
revolution. They looked at me like I was stupid – I’m not stupid!
So how’d you do it? How’d you climb the ranks so fast?
VIVIENNE:
It was my patron’s dying wish before he passed.
LAVELLAN:
You’d a patron? Of course! I’ve a patron.
God, I wish there was a war!
Then we could prove that we’re worth more
than anyone bargained for…
VIVIENNE:
Can I buy you a drink?
LAVELLAN:
That would be nice.
VIVIENNE:
While we’re talking, let me offer you some free advice:
Talk less.
LAVELLAN:
What?
VIVIENNE:
Smile more.
LAVELLAN:
Ha.
VIVIENNE:
Don’t let them know what you’re against or what you’re for.
LAVELLAN:
You can’t be serious.
VIVIENNE:
You want to get ahead?
LAVELLAN:
Yes?
VIVIENNE:
Elves who run their mouths off wind up dead.
DORIAN:
Yo yo yo yo yo!
What time is it?
DORIAN/BULL/SERA
Show time!
VIVIENNE:
Like I said.
DORIAN:
Show time, show time! Yo!
I’m D. Pavus in the place to be –
two cups of Sun Blonde 1 but I’m working on three, uh!
Those Venatori don’t want it with me!
‘Coz I will pop flash-a-pop their god ‘till I’m free!
SERA:
Yeah yeah yeah, whatever, my name’s Sera, shut up!
Red Jenny’s gonna drink from the gravy-train’s cup!
I’ll deal with you toffs just to say sod off
to Croyphemus – Coryfish – Corry –
aw, fuck.
BULL:
Hah! Hah! I am the Iron Bull, articled,
up in it, loving it, yes I heard ya barmaid said, “Come again!”
SERA & DORIAN:
Ayyyyyyy!
BULL:
Lock up your daughters and your sons, of course
it’s hard to have intercourse with your horns near their haunches…
SERA:
Wow.
DORIAN:
No more sex – pour me another brew, son!
Let’s raise a couple more –
DORIAN/SERA/BULL
– To the Inquisiton!
DORIAN:
Well, if it’s not the First Enchanter of her college!
BULL:
Madame De Fer!
DORIAN:
Give us a verse, drop some knowledge!
VIVIENNE:
My darlings, you’re making some waves –
You destroy, I’ll employ, we’ll see who behaves.
SERA/BULL:
Booooo!
DORIAN:
Mme, the Circles are rebelling now – what do you stall for?
LAVELLAN:
If you stand for nothing, Mme, what’ll you fall for?
TO BE CONTINUED…
*glares pointedly at Nora*
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HAH! This was fantastic and so incredibly timely! I love it xD Thank you so very much for nudging it my way
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@thevoxbox, this might be relevant to your interests. :D
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