What Happens Next: A Gallimaufry

melancholic romantic comic cynic. bi & genderqueer. fantasy writer. sysrae on ao3.

DRAGON AGE: THE HAMQUISITION

OK SO LOOK, this is ENTIRELY @nkjemisin‘s fault for enabling me on Twitter WHEN I WAS MEANT TO BE SLEEPING, and there’s bound to be more of this once I have time because I am a terrible dork, but here for your enjoyment and edification is Mme De Fer, Sir, the second song in a species of crossover fic that I’m calling Dragon Age: The Hamqusition.

Before we start, for the purposes of this utterly ludicrous endeavour, the characters are swapped as follows:

Alexander Hamilton = Inquisitor Lavellan

Aaron Burr = Vivienne De Fer

John Laurens = Dorian Pavus

Marquis de Lafayette = Sera

Hercules Mulligan = the Iron Bull


Are you sitting comfortably? Then we’ll begin:

Mme De Fer, Sir

LAVELLAN:          

               Pardon me, are you Mme De Fer, sir?

VIVIENNE:

               That depends. Who’s asking?

LAVELLAN:

               Oh, well, sure, sir –

               I’m Inquisitor Lavellan, I’m at your service, sir

               I have been looking for you

VIVIENNE:

               I’m getting nervous.

LAVELLAN:

               Sir…

               I heard your name at Redcliffe, I was seeking the right way

               to integrate the mages, but I got sort of out of sorts with a magister’s

               force. I may have punched it. It’s a blur, sir. They manhandled some

               sad elves?

VIVIENNE:

               You punched Tevinter?

LAVELLAN:

               Yes!

               I wanted to do what you did. Fight and earn my dues, then join the

               revolution. They looked at me like I was stupid – I’m not stupid!

               So how’d you do it? How’d you climb the ranks so fast?


VIVIENNE:

               It was my patron’s dying wish before he passed.

LAVELLAN:

               You’d a patron? Of course! I’ve a patron.

               God, I wish there was a war!

               Then we could prove that we’re worth more

               than anyone bargained for…

VIVIENNE:

               Can I buy you a drink?

LAVELLAN:

               That would be nice.

VIVIENNE:

               While we’re talking, let me offer you some free advice:

               Talk less.

LAVELLAN:

               What?

VIVIENNE:

               Smile more.

LAVELLAN:

               Ha.

VIVIENNE:

               Don’t let them know what you’re against or what you’re for.

LAVELLAN:

               You can’t be serious.

VIVIENNE:

               You want to get ahead?

LAVELLAN:

               Yes?

VIVIENNE:

               Elves who run their mouths off wind up dead.

DORIAN:

               Yo yo yo yo yo!

               What time is it?

DORIAN/BULL/SERA

               Show time!

VIVIENNE:

               Like I said.

DORIAN:

               Show time, show time! Yo!

               I’m D. Pavus in the place to be –

               two cups of Sun Blonde 1 but I’m working on three, uh!

               Those Venatori don’t want it with me!

               ‘Coz I will pop flash-a-pop their god ‘till I’m free!

SERA:

               Yeah yeah yeah, whatever, my name’s Sera, shut up!

               Red Jenny’s gonna drink from the gravy-train’s cup!

               I’ll deal with you toffs just to say sod off

               to Croyphemus – Coryfish – Corry –

               aw, fuck.

BULL:

               Hah! Hah! I am the Iron Bull, articled,

               up in it, loving it, yes I heard ya barmaid said, “Come again!”

SERA & DORIAN:

               Ayyyyyyy!

BULL:

               Lock up your daughters and your sons, of course

               it’s hard to have intercourse with your horns near their haunches…

SERA:

               Wow.

DORIAN:

               No more sex – pour me another brew, son!

               Let’s raise a couple more –

DORIAN/SERA/BULL

               – To the Inquisiton!

DORIAN:

               Well, if it’s not the First Enchanter of her college!

BULL:

               Madame De Fer!

DORIAN:

               Give us a verse, drop some knowledge!

VIVIENNE:

               My darlings, you’re making some waves –

               You destroy, I’ll employ, we’ll see who behaves.

SERA/BULL:

               Booooo!

DORIAN:

               Mme, the Circles are rebelling now – what do you stall for?

LAVELLAN:

               If you stand for nothing, Mme, what’ll you fall for? 


TO BE CONTINUED…

*glares pointedly at Nora*

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  5. thetimeheart-blog reblogged this from punk-de-l-escalier and added:
    HAH! This was fantastic and so incredibly timely! I love it xD Thank you so very much for nudging it my way
  6. punk-de-l-escalier reblogged this from nkjemisin and added:
    @thevoxbox, this might be relevant to your interests. :D
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