What Happens Next: A Gallimaufry

melancholic romantic comic cynic. bi & genderqueer. fantasy writer. sysrae on ao3.

in which queerness is discussed between friends

  • friend: how did it ever take me so long to realise I am attracted to women and want more tv shows with women kissing and having like complicated relationships with assassins and stuff?
  • me: because we see so few of them that it's hard to recognise a preference
  • friend: yep.
  • friend: I mean. Okay, this is probably oversharing? But. I was so... I dunno, repressed? Uncertain? SOMETHING... that I think I felt actually lust - I mean looking at someone and having a frisson of pantsfeelings - maybe twice between the age of fifteen and twenty-five. it's sort of no wonder I thought I was mostly asexual.
  • me: *hugs*
  • me: dude, I totally get it. even now, I still constantly wonder if I'm *really* bisexual, because internalised bullshit
  • friend: *hugs*
  • me: it's like... we're taught that Being Queer is this thing you are *constantly*, like queerness is a constant obvious unmistakable performance, like we're constantly gonna be walking around thinking LOOK AT HOW FUCKING QUEER I AM, right? and okay, yeah, there are days and moments where that's true, but sometimes you're just existing, you aren't thinking about your sexuality at all, and precisely *because* you're not thinking about it, this bullshit voice pipes up with "well maybe you're not REALLY queer if it's not consciously dominating your EVERY WAKING MOMENT", because that's what straight homophobes and relentlessly heteronormative stereotyping has taught us that queerness IS
  • friend: yeah
  • me: as though straight people ever look up from the middle of a fucking soy latte and think, 'gosh, it's been HOURS since I had a sexual thought about a member of the opposite sex - does that mean I'm really gay?' BAH
  • friend: yes. it's a thing.
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