What Happens Next: A Gallimaufry

melancholic romantic comic cynic. bi & genderqueer. fantasy writer. sysrae on ao3.

Anonymous asked: what was your military experience like in comparison?

lady-feral:

lady-feral:

I knew I was trans from an early age.  I also knew it wasn’t ok. I reached a point in college where I realized that I needed help and when I asked my parents for theirs they politely suggested that dying at war would be a better path for me than transitioning.  

I signed up for the army on an 18X contract, became a special forces medical sergeant, and had no intention of returning home.  During the course of my training I came to realize that if I committed suicide by insurgent that my comrades would put themselves at risk to save me or recover my body, so I didn’t take as many unnecessary risks as I’d planned.  

I threw myself into training and weight lifting and when I graduated the Q-course and went to 3rd SFG the ODA I was assigned to was a direct action team.  I got really good at clearing rooms, shooting on the move, and I honed my hand-to-hand skills.  I was the second best pistol shot on my team and I was the best at unarmed combat (on a team with a golden gloves boxer, a Jeet-Kune-Do practitioner, and a West Point wrestler–all of whom were bigger and stronger than me).  I got in a lot of fights and was moonlighting as a bouncer in Fayetteville NC (which apparently was recently voted 5th most dangerous city in the U.S.).  Guys on the team would bet on what injuries I would have on Monday mornings (black eyes, split lips, and skinned knuckles were common but once I had a pretty nasty gash in my side from a broken pool cue).  

I fought some prominent battles in Afghanistan, survived dozens of engagements, killed some insurgents, got a bronze star and still almost jumped out of a helicopter on final exfil.  Even with all the super macho bullshit I was doing, I would often cry myself to sleep at night and I spent most of my money on makeup and clothing that I would throw away every few months.  I went on and off of hormones a few times (I was buying online).  I would usually stop at 3 months in because that’s when I started worrying about breast development.  When I was free on weekends I’d visit old friends who knew about my issues and I often presented female.  

I was extremely depressed and I did a lot of other risky things.  I had sex with guys I didn’t know.  I made constant jokes about being trans and nobody on my team ever picked up.  I told my teammates I joined the army to finance a sex change.  I called myself the prettiest girl on the team.  I spent hundreds of dollars on the prettiest and most extravagant outfits I could find every Halloween and let people see the pictures.

I finally made the decision to get out and transition.  It took me a couple years to really get rolling with that, but that’s a different story.

Since I regularly get asked about this and it’s Memorial Day weekend, I’m reposting it.

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