Over on my other (non-SPN) tumblr, I follow a LOT of different blogs. I’ve got a handful of fantasy/sci-fi writers mixed in, cause that’s my go-to genre. One of them is fozmeadows**, who has cool and insightful things to say about writing, and also about being a woman in our patriarchal society. I’ve been following her for a couple years, and really appreciate her writing.
I started watching SPN in spring/summer 2014, and became aware that foz was being converted at roughly the same time I was (as per her blog posts) although she had a head start on the netflix binging. SPN addiction solidarity! I felt like I was not alone. And then she posts her first destiel fanfic, which was written to occur during season 6.
Now, my exposure to fanfic and the different pairings had just been meta conversations, mostly from the cast at conventions, where they talked (or in Jensen’s case, didn’t talk) about them (as per my previous post). And from the meta eps with Chuck. I was not yet really following any SPN tumblrs, and didn’t feel strongly one way or another about any pairings. I basically understood slash fic through the lens of the actors responses to it.
So anyway I decide to bookmark foz’s story, and wait until I get to the appropriate point in season 6, and then read it. Just to see what this fanfic things was all about. And I did.
And foz is a excellent writer (you all should go read her stuff) and tells compelling stories. But I had a reaction I wasn’t expecting. I COULDN’T READ THE SEX SCENES. I sort of had to squint and skim really fast and jump to the main storyline. Stepping back to analyze this, it wasn’t the writing or the content. No, I think it was because through watching all those convention videos, the actors had become more real to me than the characters they play. (the ‘fanfic’ I write in my head is all conversations I want to have with the actors) I was not able to separate RL Jensen and Misha from the characters, and I was also very aware that Destiel makes Jensen uncomfortable. It’s kind of like I was picturing Jensen and Misha playing the parts of Cas and Dean acting out the story I was reading…. and it felt transgressive.
This was a quandary, because foz was (is!) continuing to write more fanfic, and I wanted to read it, because she is a good storyteller. So I squinted and skimmed my way through her next series, and the next.
And then the college AU one started. And I was like, goddamn it, I want to be able to properly appreciate this. (Cause it is SO GOOD, ya’ll.) How? HOW? And so I ended up spending some amount of time (and mental effort!) building a mental picture of characters that looked different from Misha and Jensen, and even tried mentally shifting the names (Dan and Chas) although that was harder to maintain and eventually abandoned.
So I had a Cas and Dean who looked something like this in my head:
And yes I am aware of the irony of choosing other damn actors to serve as visual aids. heh. Also amused to learn (via the 200th ep) that Dean with blond hair is the thing in fanfic cause I had chosen that too..
But it worked! I could read the whole thing, all the words. Yay! and then I could go back and re-read the other ones. Yay! (although for some reason it was easier to maintain an alt!cas version, my alt!dean kept morphing back into looking like canon!dean…)
I still kind of struggle with the cognitive dissonance of being too aware of Jensen and Misha when reading stories about Cas and Dean. But I suppose one way to combat that is repeated exposure (get myself acclimated!) Good thing foz is continuing to write stories and I’m learning about more of you other writers too…
So there you go. True confessions. One reader’s perspective. I’m a sucker for a good story. And I expect I’ll keep peeking in on destiel!fic.
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** (waves) hi foz! squee! I was thrilled when you started following my blog!